Valentine's Day from the Black Lagoon (Black Lagoon Adventures) Read online

  THE

  VALENTINE’S DAY

  FROM THE

  BLACK LAGOON

  Get more monster-sized laughs from

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  #6: The Field Day from the Black Lagoon

  #7: The School Carnival from the Black Lagoon

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  th

  from the Black Lagoon

  The Black Lagoon

  To

  Elizabeth and Hope,

  heart to heart

  —M.T.

  To Vicki Ketterman,

  my art school valentine

  —J.L.

  All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright

  e-ISBN 978-0-54537580-1

  Conventions. No part of this publication may be reproduced, transmitted,

  downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into

  any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means,

  whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without

  the express written permission of the publisher. For information regarding

  permission, write to Scholastic Inc., Attention: Permissions Department, 557

  Broadway, New York, NY 10012.

  Text copyright © 2006 by Mike Thaler

  Illustrations copyright © 2006 by Jared D. Lee Studio, Inc.

  All rights reserved. Published by Scholastic Inc.

  scholastic, little apple, and associated logos are trademarks and/or

  registered trademarks of Scholastic Inc.

  First printing, January 2006

  Contents

  Chapter 1: Love, Yuck! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6

  Chapter 2: Heartichokes . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9

  Chapter 3: Matters of the Heart. . . . . . . . 12

  Chapter 4: What Is This Thing Called Love? . . 15

  Chapter 5: Eat Your Heart Out . . . . . . . . . 17

  Chapter 6: Stone Heart . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21

  Chapter 7: Cupid Is Stupid . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24

  Chapter 8: A Change of Heart. . . . . . . . 27

  Chapter 9: Heart Dreams . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33

  Chapter 10: Researching the Heart. . . . . . 37

  Chapter 11: Happily Never After. . . . . . . . 43

  Chapter 12:

  Pouring Out Your Heart . . . . . . 45

  Chapter 13: Cut to the Quick . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48

  Chapter 14: Heartburn . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 52

  Chapter 15: Heartfelt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 55

  Chapter 16: With All One’s Heart . . . . . . . . . 62

  CHAPTER 1

  LOVE, YUCK!

  Valentine’s Day is a week away.

  Mrs. Green says we’re going to

  have a party. And if that’s not

  bad enough, we have to exchange

  valentine cards—with girls! Yuck!

  I’m too young for this. I know

  how it goes. First you give a girl a

  valentine card, then she wants to

  hold your hand, and before you

  know it—you’re married.

  6

  7

  And what if I give one to a girl

  who doesn’t give me one back?

  Oh, the pain! Oh, the hurt!

  Oh, the embarrassment! Oh, the

  rejection!

  Maybe I can be out sick on

  Friday . . . HEARTSICK!

  8

  CHAPTER 2

  HEARTICHOKES

  On the school bus, Penny and

  Doris sit down on either side of

  me. They start telling me about

  their dolls--I’m moving! I go to

  the back of the bus, but they

  follow me.

  T. Rex, our bus driver, tells us

  to stop changing seats, so I’m

  stuck with them for eight blocks.

  What do they want?

  9

  “Who are you going to give a

  valentine to Hubie?” asks Doris,

  fluttering her eyelashes at me.

  The heart is out of the bag.

  “I don’t know,” I answer.

  “My name has two n’s,” says

  Penny. Now she flutters her

  eyelashes at me.

  “I know,” I reply.

  10

  “My name doesn’t have any

  n’s,” blurts Doris.

  “That’s nice,” I answer.

  Luckily we arrive at my stop

  and I bolt for the doo

  r. I’m out

  and still single. They’re both

  waving and winking at me from

  the back window as the bus pulls

  away. The pressure has already

  started.

  11

  CHAPTER 3

  MATTERS OF THE

  HEART

  As soon as I get home, I explain

  the situation to my mom. She says

  that I should be flattered that they

  fluttered.

  “But, Mom, I can’t give both of

  them a card,” I say.“It would be

  big-of-me.”

  12

  “When I was a little girl, I had

  a crush on Henry Stillman,”

  replies Mom. “I followed him

  around everywhere. Then, on

  Valentine’s Day, he gave a card to

  Nancy Dringle. It broke my heart

  —until I got a card from Freddy

  Farkle. I didn’t even know he

  liked me.”

  13

  “What happened?” I ask.

  “He was hurt because I didn’t

  give him a card.”

  “It sounds like a mess,” I say.

  “It’s called love, Hubie.”

  14

  CHAPTER 4

  WHAT IS THIS THING

  CALLED LOVE ?

  That evening I watch some

  TV and try to find out what love

  is. I watch The Love Boat, Love

  Story, and The Valentine’s Day

  Massacre.

  15

  Boy, love is messy. I’d
like to

  go to Tibet and sit in a cave until

  Valentine’s Day is over. I’ll come

  back for Christmas.

  16

  CHAPTER 5

  EAT YOUR HEART OUT

  Later that night, I have a

  HEARTMARE! A mad scientist

  named Dr. Love injects a chicken

  heart with some growth hormones.

  It’s in a jar, beating loudly. But

  soon it fills up the jar, lifts the

  lid, and bubbles out all over the

  counter.

  17

  Now Dr. Love has his heart

  on his sleeve. And soon he’s

  absorbed in his work. But the

  heart keeps growing with every

  beat, and now it fills the room.

  It breaks through the wall and

  thumps out onto the highway.

  It squashes a lot of cars, which

  turns into a major traffic jam.

  18

  I’m home in bed and I hear a

  loud thumping. I peer out the

  window and see this giant

  heart coming down my street,

  murmuring . . .

  19

  “Hubie . . . Hubie . . . Hubie, wake

  up! It’s time for school.”

  Phew, it’s only Mom.

  20

  CHAPTER 6

  STONE HEART

  On the school bus, I don’t sit

  near any girls. All of us guys

  huddle in the back of the bus.

  “So,” says Eric, “who are you

  going to give your valentine card

  to?”

  “I’m giving mine to Penny,”

  says Derrick.

  “I’m giving mine to Doris,”

  says Randy.

  “I’m baking cookies for

  everybody,” says Freddy.

  21

  “What about you, Hubie?”

  everyone asks.

  Suddenly, the bus is quiet. All

  heads turn toward me. My heart

  is in my mouth.

  “I don’t know,” I mumble.

  “That’s a half-hearted answer,”

  replies Eric.

  22

  “Take heart,” comments Derrick.

  “Let’s get to the heart of the

  matter,” says Randy.

  I think I’m having a heart

  attack.

  23

  CHAPTER 7

  CUPID IS STUPID

  In art class, we all have to

  make hearts. Each one has to be

  the same shape, and either red

  or pink. Yuck! I say that I want

  to make a green-colored square

  one.

  Mrs. Swamp, our art teacher,

  says, “No, only a heart shape,

  and either pink or red.”

  24

  The shape doesn’t leave a lot of

  room for creativity. Well, at least

  I’ll draw a dinosaur on mine.

  “No,” says Mrs. Swamp. “A

  dinosaur is not appropriate.

  You can either draw a cupid or

  flowers.”

  Double yuck—I’d rather eat

  worms.

  25

  Mrs. Swamp says that we can’t

  even draw any veins or blood.

  This is not freedom of expression.

  I feel wounded. I think I need a

  purple heart.

  26

  CHAPTER 8

  A CHANGE OF HEART

  Back inside our classroom,

  everything suddenly changes.

  Mr. Bender, our principal, brings

  in a new student. Her name is

  Tiffany Hart. She has blond curls,

  blue eyes, and pink lips. She

  is beautiful! I think I am really

  having a heart attack!

  27

  I look around. All the guys are

  looking at her, too. Their eyes

  are bulging and their mouths are

  wide open. Hey, I saw her first. I

  feel jealous already.

  28

  “There’s an empty seat next to

  me!” I blurt out.

  29

  Mrs. Green brings her over

  and gives her the desk next to

  mine. Tiffany smells like flowers.

  I sniff the air.

  “My name is Tiffany,” she says

  with a smile.

  “My name’s Tiffany, too,” I say.

  “I mean, Hubie.”

  “Nice to meet you, Hubie,” she

  says, holding out her hand. I can’t

  shake it. My hand is sweating. I

  wipe it on my shirt, and we shake

  hands. Wow! It’s like putting your

  fingers into an electric socket!

  30

  31

  I can’t let go. She smiles again

  and flutters her long eyelashes.

  I’m falling . . . I’m falling . . . I’m

  falling in love.

  32

  CHAPTER 9

  HEART DREAMS

  I’m ready to slay dragons for

  her, climb mountains, and swim

  the seven seas. I’d even marry

  her if she asked me. Of course,

  I’d have to ask my mom first. We

  can’t elope because then we’d be

  melons.

  33

  At lunch, she sits with the

  girls— traitors. I try to hear

  what they’re saying. All I hear

  is giggling. Uh-oh, I just ate my

  napkin. Well, I wasn’t hungry

  anyway. My stomach is on a

  trampoline, and my heart is on

  my sleeve.

  34

  I look around. None of the

  guys are eating either, except for

  Freddy. Nothing stands between

  him and food. And now he’s eating

  everyone else’s lunch, too. But

  no one cares.

  35

  Hey, they’re all in love with my

  girl. But how can I win her heart?

  There are no dragons to slay, no

  mountains to climb, and no seas

  to swim. I know! I’ll make her an

  incredible Valentine’s Day card.

  But first I have to go to the

  library and do a little research.

  36

  CHAPTER 10

  RESEARCHING THE

  HEART

  After lunch, I go visit Mrs.

  Beamster, our librarian, and tell

  her my problem. She gives me

  a book called Romance Through

  the Ages.

  37

  It starts with Stone Age

  courtship. If a caveman loved a

  cavelady, he’d grab her by the

  hair and drag her off to his cave.

  I could try that at recess, but

  I think I’d get sent to the

  principal’s office. And what if she

  is wearing a wig?

  38

  In the Middle Ages, knights

  would save their ladies from

  dragons. I knew that.

  39

  In the Romantic Age, guys

  would put their jackets over

  muddy puddles so that girls

  wouldn’t get their feet wet. If I

  brought home a muddy jacket,

  my mom would kill me.

  40

  Men also wrote lots of poems.

  It was the age of puddles and

  poems. Then later, troubadours

  would play guitars and sing under

  a lady’s balcony.

  I wonder if Tiffany has a

  balcony. I don’t play the guitar,
/>
  but I am taking piano lessons.

  41

  In modern courtship, men send

  flowers, candy, and diamond

  rings. With my allowance, I could

  give her a chocolate-chip cookie.

  Boy, courtship sounds like a real

  trial.

  42

  CHAPTER 11

  HAPPILY NEVER AFTER

  In class, Mrs. Green tells us

  stories about famous romances.

  There was Romeo and Juliet. They

  fell in love, but their families didn’t

  get along. Juliet had a balcony,

  but it still didn’t work out.

  43

  Then there was Anthony and

  Cleopatra. She was bitten by the

  love bug, but unfortunately, she

  was also bitten by a snake.

  Love is an enormous mess. I

  hope it goes better for Tiffany

  and Hubie.

  44

  CHAPTER 12

  POURING OUT YOUR

  HEART

  After school, I empty out my

  piggy bank and go to the art store.

  I’ve turned into a romaniac. I buy

  the biggest piece of pink paper I

  can find. This is going to be larger

  than the monstrous chicken heart

  from my nightmare.

  45

  I buy lace, silver glitter, and

  glue. And I have enough money

  left over for a blue pen. I tell the

  salesman it’s all for my mother.

  I carefully carry everything

  home, get a pair of scissors, and

  lock myself in my room. I cut out

  a giant heart. What a wonderful

  shape! What a beautiful color!

  46

  I take my new blue pen and